The Man I Was
by Queen Em
Summary: "Last night was incredible, you're incredible but I'll hurt you Teresa, I don't want to hurt you." Jisbon
1. Chapter 1

_Hi there everyone._

_I've been absent of the fanfiction scene recently, but I've been working on this for a while and I finally feel ready to get it up here!_

_Originally it started as a few oneshots but I have linked them together through the beautiful Show of Hands song, 'The Man I was.'_

_Please let me know what you think and more importantly, I hope you enjoy._

_Peace Out_

_Queen_Em xxx_

_Disclaimer- I don't own the Mentalist or the Show of Hands song, I wouldn't be living in uni digs the size of a small car if I did!_

_**Now I might look familiar,**_

_**But inside I'm not the same,**_

_**And if you can't see beneath,**_

_**You're not to blame.**_

_**Cause you've still the fear what I became.**_

_**The man I was,**_

_**He would have dragged you down.**_

_**The man I was,**_

_**He would have seized your crown.**_

_**-Show of Hands**_

Lisbon was fuming. Not just another 'what has Jane does this time' scowl but the full on chest heaving, cheeks flushing with anger. And now the cause of her rage was standing in front of her, having the audacity to come to her home stating he couldn't work whilst there was unresolved tension in the air! Lisbon had neither the patience nor inclination for small talk and as soon as Jane had shut the door she launched her attack.

"How dare you!" She hissed, her face contorted into a menacing frown, her bright eyes flaming in fury, "How dare you invade my private life like that."

"Lisbon I was merely assessing the situation." Jane replied calmly. "And good evening to you too by the way."

"Situation!" She shrieked, ignoring his last comment, "Situation! There wasn't a situation! You practically kidnapped Charles, hypnotised him, interrogated him then proceeded to tell him I, his girlfriend of a couple of weeks, wasn't marriage material and had no current interest in bearing a child! What the hell is wrong with you Jane!"

"I was doing you a favour really Lisbon, there's no need to get upset about it, perhaps a few wires got crossed in the process but I think we can say it was a fairly successful exercise." He flashed her a smile but when Lisbon's chest heaved in pure rage, it faltered somewhat.

"I'm going to humour you Jane, you decided that abducting Charles, the only guy whose shown an interest in me all year and basically telling him to get the hell away from me while he still could was a good idea. Why would you do that Jane?" Her voice was quieter but no less threatening.

"Because he's not right for you." Jane said quietly, his cheeky demeanour dissolving.

"And what gives you the right to make that judgement?" She hissed, rounding as she rounded on him and he backed away, jolting in surprise as his back hit the kitchen table.

"Isn't making a judgement my job, Agent Lisbon." He took a new tactic and smirked somewhat.

She picked up on his game and slowly walked towards him, lowering her voice, "I thought your job was to be a pain in my ass who breaks every God damm rule under the sun and doesn't care who picks up the pieces. Charles was nothing to do you with you."

"I was concerned for the well-fare of my boss." He replied smoothly and stood up straight, looking her straight in the eye.

"I wouldn't say you were concerned," Lisbon said, a somewhat malicious tone oozing and as she spoke she perched on the end of the table and whispered her words into his ear. "Threatened, bitter, jealous perhaps. The attention wasn't on you, someone else was making me happy, treating me nice, making me moan." She seductively hissed the last word and Jane shuddered as her breath slid down his neck, sending chills down his spine.

"He didn't make you moan, Lisbon." His bravado driving him as turned around to face her on the end of the table on which she perched so delicately.

"No?"

"No. He's not your type, far too...safe."

"Safe, you think I like it risky?"

"Not risky, passionate."

Lisbon gasped as he placed his hands either side of her body, pinning her against the table.

"You think you know how I like it?" She whispered, refusing to back down, refusing to let him beat her. Her heart was hammering; she knew where this was leading but not through fear of letting it happen, but fear of enjoying it.

"I think I do."

Jane pressed his lips to hers and instinctively she opened her mouth to let his tongue explore, shuddering as he gently nipped her lower lip as she dragged her fingers through his tousled hair. Still pinned against the table Lisbon used it to her advantage and griped his hips and pushed them into her and smirked when he gasped when she brushed firmly against him. The buttons of his waistcoat gradually came undone, as did the buttons of her green blouse. With surprising force Jane pushed her blouse of her shoulders revealing her toned torso and nude t-shirt bra. Jane kissed her shoulders and she found herself being pushed down onto the table as his lips trailed across her chest slowly pulling her bra straps down. Not wanting to be defeated she found the remaining few buttons of his dress shirt and pulled it off, both ignoring the fact a button popped off as it was torn from his smooth chest. Taking his hands in hers she swiftly manoeuvred them so he was stood and she sat on the table straddling him and when his knees buckled in pleasure as she sunk her teeth into his chest, she knew the battle had truly commenced. Lips crashed together once more and as Jane reached for her bra clasp she whispered, "why don't we take this somewhere a little comfier." When he tensed, Lisbon had a horrible image of his picking up his shirt and leaving and felt her heartbeat quicken. But he smiled softly and nodded. After locking the doors and knocking off a few switches, Lisbon pulled Jane into her bedroom and before either knew it, were lying in each others arms after spending the night making passionate love. Both knew a big ole' can of worms had been opened, boundaries had been crossed and rules broken but as they looked into each others eyes and saw that there was no regret, neither cared.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello there everyone.

Thank you to Hazmatt for reviewing, it's very much appreciated, I hope you guys enjoy this, for Jisbon shippers anywhere!

Queen Em xxx

_**All these years have taught me,**_

_**There is always a second chance.**_

_**It's forgiveness that I seek**_

_**And not romance.**_

_**-Show of Hands**_

Lisbon awoke in the early hours of the morning to a strange rustling sound and the notion that there was someone in her bedroom with her. Needing a moment to regain her senses, after all it was not often that she woke up at 3AM, naked after a night of passion, especially with her maverick consultant. Would it be awkward now? The night itself had been far from awkward, thrilling, sensual and downright good. Jane knew how to touch a woman, and indeed how to make them moan, how to lay them down and push them over the edge. Lisbon sighed contently, allowing herself to remember the pleasure for a moment. However, when she recognised the sound to be of someone dressing, she had a moment of inner turmoil. To speak or not to speak? To pretend it never happened, blame it on the tough case and use some sort of female related excuse to justify her horniness. Yet part of her didn't want to do that, part of her wanted to slap him, but after that throw him down on the bed and hold him, tell him it was all right to feel again, it was all right to be with a woman again and it was all right to love again, because, although she swore she never would, she was falling for him. Her heart in her chest she turned over swiftly, "Don't go." Her voice was hoarse and she reached for a sip of water knowing this was going to be a long... exchange... she didn't want to call it a discussion as that would imply calmness...

"I have to." Jane replied quietly.

"No you don't." Lisbon sat up and looked at him, he was sat in the edge of the other side of the bed doing up his trousers, his movements brisk.

"I do Lisbon, you know I do."

"You weren't calling me Lisbon last night." She said, her churlish tone initially unintentional but she couldn't help herself.

"No." Jane agreed softly.

"Please," Lisbon swore she wasn't going to beg and she wasn't. She was too proud and he didn't deserve that, but she couldn't keep the pleading edge out of her voice. "Please stay, we can talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about." He snapped as he scrambled around looking for his discarded shirt.

"There's everything to talk about. We slept together Jane, deal with it, it doesn't mean we're together, it doesn't mean things have to be different, especially at work, but it means something."

"I can't let it mean something!" Jane's voice was shrill, on the verge of cracking. "I can't. If it means something then you mean something, we are something. And I can't have that something again I can't do that to myself, to her or to you."

"She'd want you to be happy Jane."

Jane turned around to face her, his face had a pained expression, he looked angry like he would shout at her, but he also, more noticeably, looked distraught, like he would break down at any moment.

"I don't deserve happiness."

He bowed his head, giving up his conquest for his dress shirt.

"Yes you do," Lisbon sat behind him and wrapped her arms around his bare shoulders, although he didn't react she carried on talking, "you deserve a second chance, I'm not asking you to forget your wife and daughter they are a part of you and always will be, like they should be. But do you think they would want to see you like this, ruining your chance at happiness because of your own guilt, pride, fear, I don't know. I'm not saying what we have, what we did is love, it's not even a relationship, it was sex. But I think it could turn into something and I don't want you to throw that chance away."

Jane's shoulders shook and as a lone tear rolled down his cheek Lisbon kissed his cheek softly, running her fingers through his tousled hair.

"I don't think I can." Jane whispered, "Last night was incredible, you're incredible but I'll hurt you Teresa, I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't hurt me, I know you're scared, I am too, but I want us to try, I want us to try and have something." She kissed his neck softly and he let out a small gasp when she nipped his skin, soothing the area with the gentle caresses of her tongue.

"We can do this, Patrick."

"I want to, I want you, I want us." He trailed off and turned to kiss her, the sheet she had wrapped around her bare body slowly slipping down, Lisbon made no effort to stop it and their kiss got more intense as Lisbon ran her hands down Jane's body. Jane took her hands and brought them to his lips, "Let's just lie here together until morning. Is that okay?" Lisbon smiled, blinking back the tears in her bright eyes, "that's perfect." He slipped his trousers back off and she untangled herself from the sheet and the lay back in the bed, arms wrapped around each other, both scared as hell but both willing, both longing to turn it into something beautiful.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello there Jisbon lovers!

Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed or put this story as a favourite. As I'm a Brit I am seriously Mentalist deprived, any ideas when season 3 is back? Oh well, lots of time to write about our favourite CBI team!

I hope you enjoy,

Queen Em xxx

_**When darkness fell with storms around,**_

_**The man I was just played the clown.**_

_**When drinking in some bar in town,**_

_**I was no tender stranger,**_

_**No desert ranger,**_

_**No sturdy farmer,**_

_**No knight in armour.**_

_**-Show of Hands**_

Lisbon sighed, retirement parties were always quite a depressing occasion, whilst close friends and colleges usually put a noteworthy do on in the evening, Minelli's insistence that everyone gets a send off in the day really was quite a drag. Especially when the one retiring was Marv the 70 year old janitor who seemed to have worked at the CBI longer than Lisbon had been alive. However, she put on her best smile and joined everyone for celebratory drinks and food, or non-alcoholic champagne and left over sausage rolls. Lisbon soon found herself conversing with Marv, a little eccentric, but at least he was sweet. As he told her about the 'good ole' days,' Jane sauntered up to them and briefly put his arm around Lisbon's waist, it was no longer a secret the two were an item but Lisbon was adamant they would not behave differently at work.

"You've got a keeper there son!" Marv said to Jane giving Lisbon a friendly squeeze. "You look after her."

"I will." Jane said.

"Oh I remember what it was like to be young and in love."

Lisbon didn't quite have the heart to tell him that neither would be classed as young any more, they were on the wrong side of 35 for that! Although she was somewhat flattered, clearly the extortionately priced Clarins face cream was doing its job!

"So will wedding bells be chiming soon?"

They both squirmed a little, especially as a few others had migrated into the conversation.

"Well it's early days." Lisbon said, flushing slightly.

"Of course dear, you enjoy yourself. In fact I've been with my wife 46 years now, as long as you are with the one you love everything is much better, the skies are bluer and the grass is greener! Am I right Miss Teresa?"

Lisbon laughed softly, "I think you are Marv. I do love Mr Jane here very much, although I don't think that's going to lift the rain cloud outside."

There was a communal chuckle and heads turned to Jane, ready for his equally sentimental, no doubt with a hint of wit, retort, after all, the mighty Teresa Lisbon had confessed her love for their consultant in front of the entire bullpen…

Jane didn't say a word.

People waited a few moments; the most agonising few moments of Lisbon's life, for Jane to speak but all he managed was a strained smile and a head nod. Lisbon's heart sank and the silence seemed to deepen as eyes bored into her.

"Who wants cake?" Van Pelt had appeared out of thin air with a tray of what looked like lemon, although the flavour was debatable, sponge cake and the attention was taken away from the office lovebirds. Jane went to whisper something to Lisbon, who looked on the verge of tears, but as he opened his mouth Minelli had silenced the crowd so he could make the goodbye speech to Marv. The kindly janitor received a very warm reception and as the applause and cheers commenced Lisbon slipped out of the crowd, heading for the nearest door, not quite sure where it would lead. Her eyes were stinging and tears were threatening as her vision became blurry and her breath a little hitched, she just wanted to get away.

"Are you okay?" Lisbon felt a gentle touch on her shoulder and turned to face Van Pelt, a look of endearing earnest on her pretty face. Lisbon was quite sure Grace had heard the unfortunate exchange between her, Jane and a good chunk of the bullpen, but couldn't quite bring herself to say anything. Lisbon had always maintained a professional attitude and condemned an agent's personal life getting in the way of the job. She had softened over the years, especially as the team got closer but as the red head agent looked at Lisbon, her mentor, boss and friend, she couldn't bring herself to admit she was about to burst into tears because of Jane's inability to confess his love.

"I'm fine, thanks Grace."

"Are you sure, you look a little pale."

"I just need some air, you know what it's like, that time and all."

"Okay, if you're sure."

"I am, thank you Grace." Lisbon attempted a smile, grateful for the concern but unable to admit what was truly wrong. She hated lying directly to Grace, it wasn't that time at all, but right now she just had to get out of the building, her throat was closing up already. Picking up her pace slightly, Lisbon made it to the door and ran, bolting up the stairs until there was nowhere left to go. Breathlessly she opened the door and the cold air hit her, chilling her body as the sharp rain soaked her shirt and plastered her raven mane to her head. Gratefully she gulped down the air and gradually steadied her breathing, she needed to get back in control, no one could see her in this state, especially given the cause. A few months a go Lisbon would have slapped herself for such behaviour, but Jane had gotten under her skin to the point where she couldn't bear to think of life without him. He was a troubled man with so many skeletons, some of which Lisbon wasn't even sure she wanted to know about. Yet slowly but surely she had fallen in love with the man. Their relationship was a slow process, Jane unable to allow himself to feel again let alone love and until Red John was out of their lives Lisbon wondered whether or not he would ever truly commit to her. After that little stunt she guessed not. She wiped her face again, a pointless task as the rain had soaked her through, although it was easing off leaving Lisbon shivering but not quite ready to face the world.

Who would have thought three little words would cause so much trouble.

The pouring rain had softened into a light shower, gently bouncing of the metal railings Lisbon was leaning on. Her body was shaking, her blouse was soaked through, stuck to her body and her hair was still dripping. Gazing over the railings, the city was just in sight, she was not looking at anything in particular, just allowing her mind to wander and her thoughts to consume her as the hypnotic bustle of the city played out before her. Allowing herself a few moments to brood, she didn't even notice someone was on the roof with her and let out a shocked gasp when a pair or hands laid rest on her shoulders.

"It's okay, it's me." Jane said softly.

"You made me jump." Lisbon muttered quietly and went back to staring at the city lights, her heartbeat quickening somewhat.

"You're shivering," Jane exclaimed, "here." He was wearing a navy blue mac and took it off to drape over Lisbon's shoulders. Grateful for the warmth and a dry article of clothing, Lisbon held onto it tightly, subconsciously inhaling his scent that had lingered on his coat. His cologne was musky and there was a subtle fragrance of tealeaves.

"Thanks." She muttered. Jane starting to gently massage her shoulders, noticing how tight they were as he kneaded her muscles. "Teresa, I…" He started but she cut him off.

"I don't need you to say it," she said quickly, forcing a watery smile, "it's okay, really, I'm not asking you to."

"I just need time." Jane replied quietly, his hands ceasing to massage her.

"And that's okay. I'm not going anywhere, you know how I feel and I know you're not as, how did you put it, translucent, as I am, but I'm pretty sure I know how you feel too."

"You know I do." Jane said, gently stroking her face.

"So are we okay?" A nervous edge creeping into her voice.

"Of course we are." He kissed her softly and although she returned it, he was dismayed to see tears in her eyes when they broke apart.

"I'd better go," her voice practically a whisper, "It's okay, really. But I need you to promise me that if you do say it..."

"When." He interjected.

Her eyes welled up again, her lip trembling slightly as she smiled sadly, "If you say it, I want it to be because you can, because you mean it, not because you know I want to hear it."

"I promise." He said and looked at her retreating form. Sometimes he wondered what she was still doing with him. How she coped with him, emotionally damaged, baggage the weight of Papa New Guinea and enough skeleton's to fill Paris Hilton's closet. She wasn't without her complications yet he knew, despite his façade, the closer they became the closer his came to the surface. The fact he trusted her enough to let him see him without his precious mask scared him, but beautiful in that it felt okay, he could be himself around her, even if it was a scared, uncertain mess of a man who lives his life with a constant act of pretence. They understood each other, they cared for each other and in a matter of months they had become each others world. She was so caring, so beautiful and she never pushed him, but he couldn't help but wonder how long her patience would last. He wanted to say it, so badly, he never thought three little words would be so difficult.

_I Love You_


	4. Chapter 4

_Hi there! Happy Easter and Happy Royal Wedding to all!_

_This is dedicated to all who reviewed and enjoyed the story so far, there's a bit of a twist of fate in this chapter so do let me know what you think!_

_Much Love, Queen Em _

_**I played the clown,**_

_**I pulled you down,**_

_**I watched you drown,**_

_**I seized your crown.**_

_**The man I was,**_

_**The man I was.**_

_**-Show of Hands**_

"Boss, are you sure about this?" Cho looked at his Lisbon who was zipping up a pair of high leather boots. She stopped and after a moment and met his gaze, Cho's stoic face that so rarely gave anything away was laced with concern and Lisbon had to look away, distracting herself with the other boot.

"I have to be, Cho."

"There are other ways of doing it."

"We haven't got time, when Red John finds out we're on Salone's tail, which he will do and soon, he'll be dead and we'll be back to square one."

Cho was quiet for a moment as he paced up the and down the bullpen, finally he said in an uncharacteristically worried tone, "You're putting yourself in danger."

"I know." Her voice was quiet but she wouldn't change her mind, they both knew that. "But this is the only way and I'll have the microphone on me which will get everything"

"They might see it," Cho interjected.

"It's sewn into the cup of my bra, I don't think they will." Her attempt at humour faltered somewhat when they realised the nature of her risky plan meant that item of clothing might not be hidden, though it wasn't because of the microphone as to why Cho was deeply concerned by this.

Lisbon sighed uneasily, "I know this is risky, and ridiculously out of character, not to mention somewhat hypocritical but I am willing to try, we have to try. We've discussed the plan, we've got an undercover in there and you'll be right outside. I trust you Cho, try and trust me on this one."

"I do, you know I do. 7 years Lisbon, that's how long we've worked together and you know I still have your back, I always will, but I don't want you to get hurt because of this, because of Jane."

"Jane doesn't know I'm doing this," Lisbon said quickly, "he thinks I'm working late on the Dean case."

"Just be careful, please Tess."

"I will, this is going to work Kim, I know it."

Although a little juvenile, their old nicknames for each other brought a small slither of comfort and reassurance in both their mission and each other. Yet when got into to the unmarked car, they couldn't help but feel they needed a little more than that to get through the night.

Cho checked his watch, if Lisbon wasn't out in the next ten minutes they were going to plan B, whilst the undercover was in there with Lisbon, Cho felt uneasy that he himself was not. Suddenly a small figure emerged from the door he knew Lisbon would be exiting from and his heart quickened and his body tensed. Cho watched in slight horror when Lisbon, still in her thigh high boots, emerged, running as fast as she could. Her shirt was undone, hair wild and blood was trickling from her lip and she leapt into the car as if her life depended on it.

"Shit, Lisbon are you okay?"

"Drive!" She panted and needing no further instruction Cho pulled down the handbrake and sped off, hoping that would be the last they saw of that dreadful place.

Back at the bullpen Lisbon staggered in and said breathlessly, "I got it, I got it all, check the mic recorded it all."

Obediently Cho set the tape up and they listened for the first few minutes to make sure it had worked.

"Well aren't you a pretty little thing," Salone's slimly tone blared through the speakers but they weren't fazed. "What's your name?"

"Betty, ma name's Betty." Cho's eyes monetarily widened when he realised the sultry southern drawl was actually Lisbon, who refused to bat an eye.

"Betty, do you know who I am?"

"Aren't you Mr Salone? I've heard you've done some bad things."

"I've done some very bad things, things that would shock you."

"I don't think anything would shock me Mr Salone."

"Oh you'd be surprised Betty," and the speech broke for a moment when, what sounded like the microphone knocking, occurred and Lisbon hunched her shoulders slightly.

"Right it got everything." Cho said quietly, promptly turning it off, not wanting to listen to Lisbon being touched by Salone who did indeed confess everything to the girl he thought the be Betty the 'exotic dancer.'

"I'm just going to get some water." Lisbon muttered and stood up. Her head was pounding the room was spinning; surely she hadn't just done that? She took a few steps towards the kitchen but felt as if a giant, unseen force was preventing her from moving and an overriding power pushed the back of her knees forcing her to grip the desk for support. Taking a shaky breath she slowly let go, yet she couldn't seem to get her balance, everything was blurring around her and she could no longer stand up. With an involuntary gasp, as tiredness, shock and pain at last got the better of her, Lisbon's legs gave way and she started to fall but Cho, as on the ball as ever, rushed to her aid and caught her before she hit the ground.

"It's okay, I've got you." He placed an arm under her knees and the other round her back and effortlessly picked her up, hating how small she looked in his arms. He placed her gently on the couch and crouched down to look at her, her bloody lip and blackened eye standing out obscenely on her pale face.

"Thanks Kim," Lisbon said weakly, too tired to be strong.

"You're okay Tess, you're okay." Cho put his jacket over her shoulders, though she'd done up her blouse she was barely decent, and got out his phone.

"Jane, it's Cho. I'm with Lisbon in the office, you'd better come, now."

"Oh my God, I came as quickly as I could," Jane burst into Lisbon's office, panting slightly, "Are you okay?"

She looked at him, her eyes wide, face pale, "I'm fine." She muttered. Jane went to sit beside her on the couch and reached to put his arms around her, "don't touch me!" She shrieked. Jane moved his arms away from her in a flash, his face horror-struck.

"Tess I.."

"I'm sorry," she whispered putting a hand to her mouth she looked at Jane with watery eyes, a look of loss shining through, "I'm sorry."

There was a moment's silence.

"Why did you do it?" Jane asked her, not meeting her gaze.

She turned away, "I had to."

"No you didn't."

"He had information, information that was invaluable, there was no other way of getting it. If there was any other way I would have done it, but there wasn't."

"He violated you."

"I got the information." She repeated flatly as if that would end it.

"You let a bunch of sleazy men touch you, do things to you, you went in with no back up, no real way of reaching us, you could have been raped, killed!" His voice was rising, the thought of losing her stirring him.

"But we have a lead on Red John!" She snapped, her voice shrill.

"But you're worth more than that."

"So are you!" She shrieked and tears started to fall, "So are you. You've said how you're not worth saving, how catching Red John is the most important thing, how you would gladly sacrifice your life to find him. Well I'm not letting you Jane, I'm not! I had an opportunity to get information on him, information that could lead to his arrest that would stop you acting like a vigilante and getting yourself locked up for the rest of your life! So yes I did let disgusting, sleazy men touch me, I talked dirty to them as they put there hands down my shirt, I went against everything I believe in and have worked for but I had to, okay! I had to!"

"No Tess, I'm not worth it," he gripped her and tears were welling up in his eyes, "you shouldn't have done that for me."

"I should have and I did. I did it to get the information to get Red John, I did it for the case, for the team and yes for you. And don't give me this I'm not worth it bullshit because that's getting way too old. I did it and I don't regret it."

"But why?" He almost pleaded.

"Because I love you! Okay," her voice was loud and high, her body shaking, "because I love you. Perhaps I'm being naïve, perhaps I'm being stupid and maybe I'm going to get my heart ripped in two, but the fool that I am I've gone and fallen in love with you okay! I love you Patrick Jane and that's why I did it!" She furiously wiped her tears away and hunched over, unable to look at him, "I can't keep doing this, I can't keep fighting you. We are getting so close, we are going to catch him."

"You know my intentions with Red John." Jane said coldly.

"But we're on the same side Patrick!" She exclaimed. "I want him too but you have to work with me, with the team, you have to stop acting like you're the only one trying to bring him down."

"He didn't kill your wife and child Lisbon!" He snapped and Lisbon exhaled shortly as his words hit her like a punch o the chest.

"If you carry on like this, one day one of us is going to have to choose where our loyalty lies and you know what, that's going to kill me, it really is."

Jane ran his hands through his hair, his eyes glistening and said in almost a whisper.

"I don't want you to get hurt Teresa."

"Red John isn't going to hurt me. Please Jane, please, stop fighting."

A tense silence hung over them, Lisbon felt herself becoming desperate, needing answers, needing him to come to their side. She gently touched his thigh blinking back tears.

"I've just told you that I love you," her voice was quiet, pleading with him, "Patrick?"

"Don't do this Teresa, please." He moved away, pain etched across his face, "you know I can't."

"You can't love me? So this is it?" Her voice was high pitched, an air of surprise in her tone.

"I think we need some time to decide what we want, where we can go. I'm sorry Teresa." He leaned in to kiss her cheek but she moved away, snapping her head in the opposite direction. He closed his eyes then stood up nothing left to say as he walked dejectedly to the door.

"Look at me Jane," Her voice was an angry whisper, "I did this for you."

He looked at her again, the bruise across her eye darkening and her bloodied lip becoming swollen. Her torn shirt revealed her lacy bra, a symbol of what she had done for him tonight and Jane had to look away. On both their faces was anguish, regret and sadness, at last the cracks were too much to bear, Red John had won again. Jane's need for revenge, thirst for his nemesis' blood had finally thwarted their relationship which was becoming so beautiful.

"I love you too Teresa, but you know I can't, for both our sakes. I'm sorry." With that he left the office, Lisbon shrieking his name through her tears echoing as he hurried out of the bullpen, his vision cloudy his feet unsteady he did the only thing he could think of, get in his car without looking back.

Lisbon's body shook with sobs, how could he leave after everything she had done, everything they had gone through. In her heart she knew it would be Red John that tore them apart, she'd just longed for them to have a chance, a real chance at a relationship at happiness, but when she saw Jane's car speed out of the parking lot she knew that like most situations concerning Jane, she was the one who got hurt.


	5. Chapter 5

_Hello Mentalist fans!_

_Was it just me or was that finale the best episode there has ever been! Amazing!_

_I would like to dedicate this chapter to someone very special who always supported me, including with my writing, but is sadly no longer with us._

_I hope you enjoy and feedback is much appreciated,_

_Peace Out_

_Queen Em x_

_**The man I was,**_

_**He would have let you down.**_

_**The man I was,**_

_**He would have watched you drown.**_

_**-Show of Hands**_

_Lisbon's hands shook and her breathing quickened. Her heart was pounding as a thin layer of sweat laced her forehead. She knew what it would say, she knew who it would be from and she knew what it meant. Yet with trembling hands she ripped open the envelope and saw small, swirly handwriting dancing across the page._

_**Sleep**__**, sleep, beauty bright,**_

_**Dreaming in the joys of night;**_

_**Sleep, sleep; in thy sleep**_

_**Little sorrows sit and weep.**_

_**O the cunning wiles that creep**_

_**In thy little heart asleep!**_

_**When thy little heart doth wake,**_

_**Then the dreadful night shall break.**_

_The words were written in bright blood red causing Lisbon to let out a sharp gasp. _

_Quickly she unlocked her desk drawer and shoved it at the bottom, letting it sit in top of the other two letters she had received, all written in the same blood red writing._

"Listen up everybody," Lisbon's calming authority filled the bullpen and her team were around her in a flash, "this one is pretty messy, we're fairly sure it was the Uncle but given his connections if we take him in he'll be free within the hour and that's our chance gone. Jane, I want you to go back and talk to the mother. I think she's going to crack, she's not as strong as we think. Rigsby and Van Pelt, you run background checks on all of the family and Cho and I are going to get the timeline configured."

"So who is going with me?" Jane asked.

"No one."

Jane looked at her dumbfounded, "You're a big boy Jane, you don't need anyone holding your hand. Besides, we had you micro-chipped whilst you were asleep!"

With a little chuckle Jane said, "Your trust in me is quite touching Lisbon. Although it's interesting how you have finally relinquished control over me given that…"

"Scram Jane, now!" Lisbon cut across and Jane picked up his jacket and made a swift exit.

No sooner had he left the room Lisbon said as she stretched her aching body, "I need a coffee break. Come on, Starbucks on me."

The team exchanged puzzled glances and unsurprisingly it was Van Pelt who voiced her concern. "Are you sure boss, I mean we haven't started the checks and if Hightower wants this wrapped up by Thursday we…"

Lisbon gave her the look and she quickly shut up and turned off her computer, quite glad of the coffee break, she would never turn down a latte!

Lisbon led them to the furthest corner of the café, sitting in a high backed booth with a low hanging lamp as the main light. As they sipped their drinks they soon realised Lisbon had brought them here for a more important reason than a caffeine hit.

"Is everything okay, boss?" Rigsby asked taking a nervous swig of his coffee.

"Yeah," Lisbon replied unconvincingly, "I just need to say something to you guys." She took a deep breath and began determinedly, "The threat of Red John is getting nearer. After the last lead we got on him we're getting closer and he knows it. We know what he is capable of and whether we like it or not we are all apart of his twisted little game and when he sets his sights on something, chances are he will get it, he's an evil son of a bitch but he's a damm clever one. For Christ's sakes he got Bosco and his whole team." She looked away bitterly and took a steadying sip of her drink muttering 'bastard' under her breath. "We need to be on our guard, I'm not letting anything happen to any of you and I am asking, no telling you to never let your guard down. If you hear anything, feel anything or get any type of lead, threat or link you tell me, no matter how big, how small or what time it is. We need to look out for each other and for ourselves." Lisbon took another swig of coffee but no one spoke, allowing her words to truly sink in.

"There's another thing." Lisbon's voice was quieter, her previous driving authority softening, "if anything happens to me, I need you to promise me you will carry on with the investigation."

"We're not letting anything happen to you either Boss." Rigsby said compellingly.

"If anything does happen," Lisbon repeated, ignoring Rigsby's interjection, "I need you to concentrate on finding and capturing Red John, nothing else."

"Boss…" Grace started, her voice shaking slightly.

"And Jane. You must make sure that he carries on too, he knows more about this whole scenario than any of us, far more than he's letting on but he cannot go at it alone and God knows he'll try. I know this is a lot to take in, but the threat is as real now as it ever has been, to all of us and I need you all to take of each other and promise me you will see this through, no matter what."

There was a tense silence, Lisbon's words were intense and unexpected, the threat had always been real but now it seemed a little too close for anyone's comfort. At last it was Cho who broke it, the ever-trustworthy agent of steel, he would trust Lisbon with his life and although he was slightly unnerved by her speech, he knew, like usual, she was right.

"You know we will." He looked at Grace and Rigsby, "Won't we?"

"Yes, you know we will." They said, although neither looked as calm as Cho.

"Thank you. We're not going to let anything happen, we are going to catch this bastard, I know it." Lisbon said and raised her mug slightly and the others joined her, clunking the china together with a soft clang. They reflected for a moment, letting reality hit them, it was true, they were apart of the Red John's world now and once they were in, there was no getting out. They needed to get this guy soon, for all their sakes.

Lisbon sighed as she ran her fingers through her raven mane, desperate to get home and sink into her nice, warm bed. Yet the paperwork had piled up with reports and forms galore, not to mention various complaints about Jane. Ah, Jane. Part of the reason Lisbon's workload now diminished more slowly than ever. It had been a tough few weeks for them and although she wouldn't admit it, she was still struggling to deal with it, seeing him everyday was tearing her apart. After their fiery break up in her office the atmosphere had been tense and awkward, not because of bitterness, but because there was still so much left to say, so much ground to cover. Lisbon had gone and fallen in love with him, she'd seen him at his best, seen him at his worst, seen him at his most vulnerable but she still wanted to be in his arms. She missed him, even just their friendship, it was so natural and easy, they could stay up all night just talking, and there was certainly no banter any more. They were both pleasant to one another but Lisbon struggled to meet his gaze. He'd asked her to lunch, invited her for dinner, and offered to take her home since their breakup, but each time she'd refused, she was scared if she let herself back in it would hurt even more when it got too much for him again, which it would, and it hurt like hell now. Rubbing her temples, Lisbon shook the thoughts of Jane out of her mind and after a lingering glance at his empty couch, walked to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee.

"Evening, Miss Lisbon."

"Hi Mitch." The janitor who worked the night shifts turned to Lisbon with a soft smile. He was a kindly, middle-aged man who Lisbon had taken to talking with, as it was mostly just the two of them in the Bullpen at such a ridiculous time. Jane had taken to going home or checking into a hotel at night, the atmosphere between them when they were alone after hours was unbearable and there were currently no other agents around, it was only the dedicated ones, as Lisbon liked to tell herself, that stayed past 10.

"How are you tonight?"

"Oh you know, same old, yourself?"

"Not too bad, although I'm disappointed to see Mr Jane has not returned to his spot."

Lisbon smiled sadly, "I don't think he'll be there anytime soon."

"That's sad to hear, may I clean your office?"

"You don't have to, it's a bit of a mess."  
"That's because you're always in here! You need to get out of this place."

"Tell me about it!" She said with a dry chuckle as they walked into her office, "Even Jane spends less time here than me now."

"He's a troubled man." Mitch said quietly and Lisbon cast a glance in his direction, caught slightly off guard by such a comment.

"I suppose." Lisbon said vaguely, not wanting to talk about him.

"Sometimes I wonder if he realises how far in he is."

"Well Red John is a bastard, he's not stopping anytime soon, we all know that."

"True, he's very powerful. Sometimes things are out of our control though."

"No, we will catch him."

"So determined." Mitch said under his breath and Lisbon felt herself become uncomfortable whilst the janitor cleaned the windows in her office, although she wasn't sure why.

"Red John is only human, he can be caught."

"I admire your determination my dear, it's so refreshing, it makes me rather disappointed."

"What?" Lisbon said, snapping her head in his direction, scowling as he moved closer to where she tentatively sat.

"I've enjoyed or late night chats Miss Lisbon, I've never met anyone with quite so much spirit."

As he spoke, she sensed that the man was now directly behind her and she turned to look at him, he met her gaze, his eyes empty, his smiling face now blank.

"What are you talking about?"

Without warning, a hand clasped firmly around her neck and a cloth was pressed into her face. She shrieked and kicked but the overwhelming fumes from the chloroform overcame her. The world span as the fight in her deflated and at last she sank to the floor by the felon's feet. Her coffee mug clattered out of her hands, smashing on the floor.

"I'm sorry Miss Lisbon, I guess you really don't know how far in Mr Jane is."

He completed his mission in her office and picked up her limp body, the security cameras had been hacked, the van was outside and she was neatly disguised in his janitor's cart. After arranging the china with the upmost precision, he pushed his cart out of the building, bidding goodnight to the security guard on his way out.

"Morning!" A chirpy Van Pelt chimed as she walked through the bullpen.

"Someone's perky this morning." Rigsby said, although he was always pleased to see Grace smiling.

"Well all we have to do is bring Richards in then it's case closed." Grace said beaming. "I'll come and check over the background report with you in a second Rigsby, I'll just give Lisbon a coffee."

Grace was surprised to see Lisbon's office door shut and the blinds closed but the light was shining from under the door. "Boss?" She rapped on the door, "Boss? I've got you coffee." Usually she wouldn't dare enter Lisbon's office without direct permission, but something was telling her that she needed to open the door. She walked in slightly hesitantly and as she opened the door a high-pitched scream escaped her lips that echoed around the bullpen and caused everyone to stop what they were doing.

"Grace what is it, what's happened?" Jane, Cho and Rigsby and several others ran to the young agent's side and each one turned a deathly shade of pale when they saw what Grace was staring at, tears in her horror-struck eyes.

The contents of Lisbon's desk had been swept off onto the floor with picture frames smashed and papers strewn. And on the floor, just by the door, was Lisbon's beloved trademark coffee mug, smashed into hundreds of jagged fragments, which had been carefully arranged into a haunting smiley face.


	6. Chapter 6

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you are having a wonderful time and enjoyed Christmas!

Apologies for the delay in this chapter and thanks for bearing with me. The next chapter is written so there won't be too much of a delay- the new series is totally inspiring. Best one yet, right?!

Enjoy and please let me know what you think!

Queen Em xx

_**I'm only stretching out these hands,**_

_**Cause when danger found you,**_

_**With wild wolves around you,**_

_**The man I was,**_

_**He would have gone to ground.**_

_**-Show Of Hands**_

Lisbon opened her eyes, her vision was bleary and she was completely disorientated. The room was dimly lit and cold and where she lay was hard and rough. She sat up but collapsed back down again as the room span, her head ached and her whole body felt stiff. Attempting again to get up, Lisbon was startled to feel a sharp pull at her wrists, she looked down, her wrists were handcuffed. Now as aware as she was going to be, she truly took in her surroundings and indeed, her unfortunate predicament. Each wrist was handcuffed, a chain about 3 metres long was welded to the wall, she could move, but she wasn't getting very far. Her feet were free but there was something around her neck, tentatively reaching for it, Lisbon felt a piece of material loosely tied. Cautiously she undid it and looked down, it was a tatty cloth which had been soaked in something, chloroform, the stench was still lingering and the taste was still around her nose and mouth. Suddenly it all came back to Lisbon. The janitor, the struggle, the chloroform, a journey in some kind of vehicle, waking up, being hit across the head… that was all she could remember. It was all she needed to remember because when the door opened and an eerie voice said tauntingly, 'when thy little heart doth wake, then the dreadful night shall break,' she new exactly what had happened.

"Good morning my dear." Lisbon couldn't control her fear as her captor walked toward her. Although she was scared out of her mind, her cop instincts took over and she surveyed the man. He was quite tall of medium build, and that was clearly all she would get. Every inch of his body was covered and his hair, which was mostly covered by an old fashioned hat looked to be a wig and his grey eyes were undoubtedly coloured by lenses. He wore all black, nothing distinctive or out of the ordinary and his face was obscured by a mask. It was somewhat ironic that after all the hype surrounding the infamous killer, the mask red John chose to wear was nothing more than a simple, plain one that was more elegant than scary.

"I wouldn't call it good." Lisbon muttered, her voice more hoarse than she realised.

"I knew you were a feisty one." He had reached her and for now did nothing more than inspect Lisbon.

"What do you want from me?" Lisbon hissed.

"Oh I think you know what I want."

"My team are going to find me, they'll stop you and you'll be on death row with the other scumbags."

The man let out a cruel chuckle and walked to the other corner of the small room.

"I'm not interested in your team my dear, there is only one person I want to take notice of this and you know exactly who I am talking about, your little boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend, you're wasting your time."

"Now we both know that isn't true. We both know you are the most important person in his life and this will be a nice little warning to him, and indeed your beloved team."

"You're not going to get away with this!" Lisbon hissed.

"Again my dear, this is where you are wrong."

He approached her with a menacing stride and despite her protests, her weakened body was soon in his tight grasp and when a sharp knife was protruded all she could do was scream.

"He's got her," Jane choked as he paced wildly around the bullpen, "that bastard's got her."

"We'll find her Jane." Rigsby said boldly.

"Will we?" Jane challenged, "Will we, because last time I checked no one got away alive from Red John."

"How dare you!" A new voice came into the argument and everyone was marginally surprised that it was Grace who had spoken.

"Lisbon, our boss, our friend has been taken by a serial killer, right under our noses, God knows where she is and what she's going through and you're practically telling us she's already dead. We are working to the ground to get her back to us to make sure she doesn't suffer so how dare you!"

There was a tense silence. The whole unit was working on the case and there was an anxious, eerie atmosphere lingering.

"She's not dead." Grace said, loudly but to no one in particular, "We are going to bring her back." Furiously she continued typing at her keyboard, not missing a single detail, checking and rechecking the information in the hopes it would bring Lisbon back. Her eyes were filling with tears but although she tried to blink them back, she didn't care if she let them fall, or if people saw, it didn't matter, all that mattered was that Teresa Lisbon was brought back to them, alive.

Lisbon's whole body ached. Her captor had given her quite a kicking and a nasty knife gash to her cheek. Although Lisbon couldn't see her injuries she was quite sure the wound wasn't too deep, although the possibility of a scar was the least of her worries. Needing something to hold onto she tried to analyse her captor, he clearly had more networks than the CBI realised. She was obviously the target, the kidnapping was neat and pre-planned, Lisbon prayed the janitor had left some kind of evidence but had yet to convince herself. A menacing figure in full disguise, it was somewhat ironic he was neither flamboyant nor had really used his hands to hurt her. A part from a few kicks to silence her and an unnecessarily tight hold on her, he preferred to use, and cast fear into her, with his knife. He had run it along her neck several times, leaving barely a scratch. If Jane were here he would probably have deduced Red John's background and his intentions. Jane, the thought that the last words they exchanged were awkward and short was something Lisbon couldn't bare to remember. Jane had said she would get hurt, that it would backfire sure enough he was right, as always. But the fact she might die without telling him that she didn't care about all they had said and done and just being with him was worth all the suffering they had been through. She longed to be in his arms, curling her body into his strong embrace as he softly stroked her hair, or just chatting with him until the early hours of the morning. She looked around the dingy cell, cold and dark with nothing but a few flies for company, this may well be where she died, but even worse, this may well be where Patrick Jane discovers his former lover's body. And it was that thought alone that reduced Teresa Lisbon to tears.

Lisbon's office was nothing more than a crime scene. The yellow tape barred anyone from entering as the CBI and the best CSI's and Detective's in the state desperately searched for clues to find their beloved boss. Watching them root through Lisbon's belongings like they were trash was killing Jane. He longed to go in but he had been thrown out twice and was under close surveillance. There was nothing more to say. Red John had taken her, he had an insider, he had insiders everywhere. The haunting smiley face was no less vulgar formed out of broken china and the trashed office was a sorry sight. So much had happened in that office. It was where Rigsby had sat when Lisbon had promoted him and received an enthusiastic, rib breaking bear hug in return. It was where Cho had calmly walked in and told her they had the evidence that put a notorious serial rapist who had been taunting the CBI behind bars for life. It was where Van Pelt had broken down in her first few weeks admitting she didn't feel she could handle it but had been reassured by Lisbon who made sure she flourished under her wing. It was where he and Lisbon had spent many a night, mostly just talking, sharing their feelings and hopes and had once or twice escalated into something more passionate. He missed her so much, her laugh, her touch, her ability to make everything all right without even realising it. Revenge was no longer so important, he wanted justice for the son of a bitch but in his heart he simply longed that she would return to them, and this time he would never let her go.

"Good evening my dear." Lisbon's captor walked in, followed by Mitch, the janitor who had taken her. Lisbon said nothing, she searched Mitch's eyes but he wouldn't look at her.

"I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about you. We're going to have a bit of fun."

"They're going to get you." Lisbon hissed, refusing to be defeated.

"Perhaps, but first they will find your slashed dead body." Lisbon saw an evil glint in his eyes and against all better judgement, spat in his face.

"Take her." Red John ordered his assailant, "I do not appreciate being treated in such a manner. Perhaps a few broken ribs will make you think twice about insulting me."

Mitch looked at him, seemingly unsure what to do. "You didn't say anything about hurting her, I thought I just had to get her here."

"Do as I say!"

"But she's …"

"Insolent fool, do as I say or I'll make sure your pretty daughter is next."

"Mitch, please." Lisbon said, as the burly janitor advanced towards her, "it's me, we're friends. What would Molly think, imagine what she would say."

Mitch looked at her and said quietly, "I'm sorry Teresa."

She was silenced by a blow to the face.

"I think I have something." Everyone rushed to where Cho was surveying the CCTV footage. The cameras had been hacked but an outside one had caught something.

"I've run the plates, it's registered to CG Cleaning Solutions."

"That's who the CBI uses." Someone chimed in.

"The janitor, it's the janitor, what's his name, he always works late, always asked about the case, I knew there was something about him." Jane said furiously.

"Mitch, his name was Mitch."

A few minutes later Cho had all the janitor's details up on the screen.

"He did time 7 years a go and shared a cell with Jeff Granter, a known assailant of Red John who was killed 3 years ago."

"That's it, that's whose taken Lisbon."

"Hold in their Tess, we're coming." Cho muttered.

Lisbon could barely keep her eyes open, her nose was bleeding and she could feel her eye swelling up. She had at least 3 broken ribs, possibly more and there was definitely a break somewhere in her left arm. The pain was overwhelming and she was struggling to breathe and when Red John came at her again she barely had enough energy to flinch.

"This has been fun Agent Lisbon, but my work here is almost done."

He seized her once more and ran the knife down the front of the blouse, slicing it open to reveal her tank top, continuing to run his knife over her exposed body, Lisbon hissed as the scratches got sharper each time.

"Your team needs to learn they cannot defeat me."

Gripping her firmly, he sliced into her upper arm and she gasped in pain as blood dripped down her broken arm.

"You can get as many false psychics as you like and as many units as you can find but they will not stop me."

The knife tore roughly into her flesh as a searing pain shot through her shoulder as the knife sliced through her straps and agonisingly ripped her flesh.

"And as for that fool Jane, if this doesn't show him, nothing will."

An excruciating pain surged though her body as the knife plunged deep into her hip and she screamed in pain. Signing his signature with the dying woman's blood he left the room, not bothering to lock it or disguise what had happened. He hadn't left evidence he never did; after all he wanted them to find her, and soon, preferably just as she was turning cold. Tuning back around he saw Lisbon sink to the floor, her eyes closing as she desperately clutched her bleeding side. Yes, his work was definitely done.

Thanks for reading,

Peace Out.


End file.
